


not even at all

by extremelyquestionable (TechnicalTragedy)



Category: The Derp Crew (Youtube RPF)
Genre: Aromantic, Asexuality, Dialogue-Only, No Romance, Toy Story References, Twilight References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-06-24
Packaged: 2018-04-05 22:16:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4197015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TechnicalTragedy/pseuds/extremelyquestionable
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A relationship, told entirely by word of mouth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	not even at all

“Look, okay, just. Fuck vampires, dude.”

“I’m not interested in fucking anyone, and especially not vampires.”

“Fuck you, you know what I mean.”

“I would prefer it if I wasn’t fucked, either.”

“I’m going to punch you.”

“Man, I already said I didn’t wanna be fucked and you’re moving straight to fisting?”

“You’re impossible, I don’t know why I hang out with you.”

“It’s because you looooove me.”

“If you mean in a platonic way, yes.”

“No, I mean you wanna hold my hand and snuggle me and kiss me and have my babies.”

“I assure you, I do not. For one, it’s biologically impossible.”

“I’m sure you’d find a way.”

“Also, I don’t really want anyone to hold my hand or snuggle with me. I’m not really into that.”

“Oh, that’s cool.”

“Yeah. Anyway. Dude, seriously.  _Fuck_  vampires.”

“Here we go again.”

 

\- - -

 

“Your love affair with frozen yogurt will never cease to amaze me.”

“I can’t help it, man. It’s just. So good. Boba, dude, you should try it.”

“I’ve had it. It’s alright.”

“Alright?  _Alright?_  Dude, if I was into that kinda stuff, I would make love to frozen yogurt. I would have frozen yogurt’s babies.”

“I thought I was going to have your babies?”

“Well, we can still do that. I don’t see why we couldn’t have some sort of open relationship, or maybe a polyamory thing.”

“You know I’m not into-”

“Okay, okay. No romo bro, but if you and frozen yogurt wanted to get down, I’d be up for a polyamorous relationship.”

“Seeing as how frozen yogurt is inanimate and thus unable to possess a sexual or romantic orientation-”

“ _Smart-ass_.”

“-and I’m aro, I would say it’s probably not gonna happen.”

“I’ll stick my dick in the frozen yogurt.”

“You don’t even like to stick your dick in humans, why would you put your willy in your fro-yo?”

“Because, heh, I’d really be  _Chilly Willy_ , then! Get it?”

“Shut the fuck up and eat your yogurt.”

 

\- - -

 

“You ever look at the stars?”

“Yes, I have looked at the stars before.”

“Why am I friends with you? You’re such an asshole.”

“Because you’re also an asshole. And what would you do without me?”

“Well, I’d probably still be forcing myself to pretend I’m into girls.”

“Yeah, that would be different.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“Shut up, dork.”

“Is that the best you could come up with? ‘Shut up, dork.’ My grandmother could-”

“Oh my fuck. At least I didn’t use the cliché 'My grandmother could come up with better.’”

“I enjoy a good cliché every now and then.”

“Of course you do, buddy. Of course you do.”

“Of course I do.”

“Shut up.”

“Why don’t you make me?”

“I’ll shut you up…with my mouth.”

“Oh, please. Like you could ever stop talking long enough to actually kiss someone well.”

“Hey!”

“ _Hey!_ ”

“Why am I friends with you?”

“Because I taught you how to kiss.”

“True. You weren’t a bad teacher.”

“You were a piss-poor student.”

“I resent that.”

“You resent a lot of things.”

“I don’t resent you.”

“You never were able to get that down.”

 

\- - -

 

“Okay, but why fuck vampires?”

“Because they’re so useless! They’re just like, uh, fucking, I don’t know. They’re dumb. Werewolves are much cooler.”

“Of course  _you’d_  think that, Mr. I-Haven’t-Shaved-In-Three-Months.”

“I shaved, like, a week ago.”

“Oh, shut up, Wolfman.”

“Hey, at least I can grow a beard.”

“At least  _I_  can grow hair on my chest.”

“Ha, no. I’ve seen your chest.”

“I’ve had chest hair!”

“If you can qualify one wimpy little hair that I pulled out.”

“Her name was Martha and I loved her! I’ll never forgive you.”

“Sure you won’t, buddy.”

 

\- - -

 

“Man, what is it about us?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, everybody thinks we’re gay for each other, but in reality you’re ace and I’m aro, yet we do weird couple stuff.”

“We don’t do a lot of weird couple stuff.”

“Watching the stars, getting frozen yogurt, me teaching you how to kiss. None of that seems like weird couple stuff to you?”

“Nah, not really.”

“Then what is it to you?”

“To me? Well, you’re my best friend. I love you more than I’ve ever loved pretty much anybody.”

“But do you friend-love me? Or is it, like…”

“No romo, man. I mean, whatever we do, if we want it to be friend stuff, it’s friend stuff.”

“Does it work like that?”

“I don’t see why not. I mean, we’re us. Nobody else is us. They can’t dictate who we are to each other.”

“Huh. I never really thought about that.”

“I don’t know, dude. All I know is that, well.”

“Well, what? Are you about to say something unbearably sappy? I know you are, I can hear it in your voice.”

“Yeah, I am. Prepare yourself, here comes the Sap Train.”

“Choo choo, motherfucker.”

“Yeah. Choo fucking choo. Look, Ze, I love you. I mean, in my eyes, we belong to each other. No romo.”

“I don’t really get it.”

“What I mean is. Shit, how do I say this? If I had to pick someone to spend the rest of my life with-”

“Wait, just one person? For forever?”

“Yeah. You’re my one person. For forever.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I was right.”

“About what?”

“That was, like, one million percent sap.”

“Oh, fuck you.”

“Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re my one person, too.”

“For forever?”

“To infinity and beyond, bro.”

“Thanks, Buzz.”

“Anytime, Woody.”

 

\- - -

 

“But seriously. What did vampires ever have to do with anything?”

“Since when did vampires ever not have something to do with anything?”

“That was a confusing sentence.”

“No it wasn’t.”

“Did you finally get around to watching Twilight, or something?”

“…No.”

“Which one was it?”

“I binge-watched the whole series.”

“For fuck’s sake, Steven.”

“What can I say? I’m a sucker for R-Pattz.”

“Sometimes I really hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I don’t.”


End file.
